By SheelaR
I always thought I knew what love was and how it’s supposed to feel. Several people have walked into my life over the last couple of years, and I feel conflicted. It is not a romantic love (the romantic love stuff is another post :)), but a friendship love. I’m fiercely protective and unconditionally trusting of anyone I let in. It’s difficult for me because I’m not one to easily hand out trust passes. My first instinct about anyone is suspicion.
I have a large diverse family and a small diverse circle of close friends. I didn’t think that I was truly capable of allowing anyone else to penetrate my closely protected heart and circle. I didn’t even want to let anyone else in. I let them in just a little bit and suddenly my heart and mind felt overwhelmed. I feel like Santa, I’m made a list and I’m always checking it twice. Always looking for reasons to push them away.
It is impossible for me to let them all the way in or push them all the way out. My mind and heart are in a struggle for control. My mind believes that they are genuinely good people and there is room for them in my heart and my life; my heart isn’t so sure. My heart is afraid to openly love anyone else in fear of disappointments and eventual heartbreak.
I’ve tested and had my boundaries tested quite a bit lately, and that open door from which they came is slowly closing. Do I let them in before it does, or should I close it and say…never mind! I feel like there are all sort of wonderful things in my life that I’d like to share with them and I feel like they’ve earned it. My own insecurities are holding me back. I don’t like handing out my love and getting my heart broken. I’m selfish in that way.
I’m glad that they’ve walked into my life. New experiences teach us so much about life and about ourselves. I don’t regret letting them in and feeling deeply about them. I regret not being capable of giving them a permanent seat in my circle. I won’t say never, but time is something that I need more of. I may not tell them that I love their entrance into my life, but I do and I hope that we can get to a place where I can tell them how I truly feel and thank them for it ❤
Love is such a complicated emotion.
Thoughts of a Wordinary Girl 