By SheelaR

It’s been a long weekend. I’m battling a terrible cold and I can feel my fibromyalgia kicking in. The stress of being sick is always a trigger for my Fibro. It’s at moments like this when I do my most profound thinking…mostly about my relationships with other humans.

I start to separate my “friends” into categories:

First, there are the loyal friends; the non-judgmental friends who will support me no matter what. They are the kind of friends who’ll let me be a hot mess. They know all of my deepest and darkest secrets, but still love me all the same. They’ll drop everything and bring me a pot of soup, even if they know I’m not going to eat it. My all knowing friends will understand that last part 🙂

Next, there are the selfish and emotionally draining friends. The takers and users. They don’t pretend to care. I couldn’t depend on them for a cup of water, even if I’m dying of thirst. They’re not really friends, they’re associates. They are only around when I’m healthy, happy, and being generous with my time, and attention, and funds.

Lastly, there are the people that profess to care about me, until I’m at my lowest and weakness point. They ask me how I am, but it’s only a setup to inject their needs into the conversation. They only call when it fits their agenda, and they always have one. They will offer to bring me a cup of water, but I have to commit to something in return. I’m never confused about their intentions. I simply get into a pattern of thinking that I’m wrong about them. I’m never wrong about them.

My instincts about people and situations are spot on. Sometimes, I spend too much time playing their game, because I want to be wrong. When I finally come to the realization that I’m not, I retreat. You can be my “friend,” but you’ll never truly have the privilege or distinction.

It takes me a long time to trust anyone. It’s how I am. It’s mostly an innate character trait. The other part is experience. We tend to not want our negative experiences to shape us, but they do. It is as natural as breathing.

I hate that I can openly admit to having been a terrible “friend.” I am however, trying not to be… No one is responsible for how you treat them, you own that.

I’m going back to bed now. I’ve used what little energy I had to write this.