By SheelaR

As my exit from Facebook nears, I’m filled with a lot of sadness. It has been 7 of the happiest and saddest years of my life… Not necessarily because of Facebook, but because I’ve experienced many highs and lows in that time. Although, regrettably…facebook provided a few of those moments. But the time for me to move on has come.  I’m struggling with how to maintain my presence on Facebook with all that I’ve got planned for my future…and the struggle real. I can no longer reconcile the two. The need for a separation is stronger every day that I breath.

I keep trying to imagine what it’ll feel like… My first day, alone in my thoughts. An acute absence of the mindless distraction that is facebook. Who will I share my most random of thoughts with? When my day is quiet with nothing but the sound of my own heartbeat…with whom will I “LOL” with? This is where my family and friends come into play.  The next year of my life is for them as much as it for me. I’ve missed all of my twenties because I was ambitious. Had I not put a stop to it, my thirties would see the same fate. I need to take care of myself and the people that I love.

I’ve gotten to know and genuinely care about few of you. Nothing is more beautiful than a friendship that is free of bullsh*t and full of love and caring. I’m going to miss all the updates about your life. The photos that I generally don’t look at, but always commit to memory, because I have a photographic memory.  I’m going to miss my friends that provide me with low-key safe place to be me (you know who you are). I’m going to miss those of you who disappear and then reappear like a random dandelion in the springtime…never missing the opportunity to drop in and say hello. I live for those moments.

I’m going to miss being inspired by the sometimes contentious and rancorous debates that are inspired by our current social climate. Hot button issues debated feverishly by passionate intelligent and sometimes downright belligerent folks. I live for an intense exchange of ideas. No one outside of Facebook with fight will me, they’re afraid. It’s not my fault they don’t research the world endlessly; the one benefit of insomnia…

My dad tells me that I’m the smartest person he knows (he’s biased). He tells me that he’s never known of another person that is completely filled with the most random knowledge about everything. He said that he loves our long car rides, because he’s sometimes the unwilling benefactor of all the knowledge that Britanica has to offer. Now that I’m a woman, I can totally appreciate my mom’s “No television” rule when I was a child. It left me with nothing but books, music, and the world to learn from. I’m a sponge, I soak everything I see and hear. My mom is always putting my needs first, even when she should be taking care of herself. She’s the epitome of unselfishness. I want to take this time to spoil and love on her.

By SheelaR

This hiatus has been good for me. I’m seeing people, places, and things with a new pair of eyes.  I drive not with a purpose, but to enjoy the ride. I actually notice all the little things that I never knew existed. I take my time to pick out fruit. Carefully examining  every apple and orange. My meals are not made in a hurry. They’re balanced and made with love. I don’t listen to people talking, just to respond. I hear them, I actually hear and consider every word.

I’m also learning to truly appreciate the people that love me. I’ve always taken that love for granted, thinking that I had time to nurture it at my own pace.  However, this time has taught me that nothing is certain, not even the lives of the people you love. When I say “I love you,” I feel it in the deepest places of my heart. I don’t say it to appease or please. I say it to convey my most intimate emotions.

I’ve cheated people out of the love and care they’ve had for me. I forgot what a gift it is to love and be loved unconditionally.  I just hope that it’s not too late to make it right with some of the most important people that own little pieces of my heart.

By SheelaR

Finally made my way to D.C. I thought about staying with my uncle and his family in Bethesda, but my mood is low-key funky. I’m struggling with sleep deprivation and not getting enough of the right things to eat.  All which are my fault. I’ve become somewhat of a situational lazy bum… Spending my days doing everything and then some days doing nothing at all. I need a routine. I function best with one.

I’m here for the funeral of a former neighbor and friend.  He was my introduction to D.C. when I arrived in D.C. in 2014. A real Washington insider. He spent 40 years as a lobbyist for the dairy industry…Ironically, I can’t tolerate milk, so he was quite amused at that revelation. Although he was in his 80’s, our conversations were timeless. Every morning, he’d wait for me in the lobby to talk while I finished my morning coffee, before heading to work. We talked about everything!

My contract was only for a maximum of one year, so when it was time for me to leave, he came bearing flowers, two bottles of my favorite wine, and words to live by. I love and appreciate anyone who spends so much of their time trying to educate and help others. That kind of energy is infectious and appreciated. Edward, was by far one of the kindest souls I’ve ever known. A surrogate grandfather…a role he relished.

I guess it’s easier to simply say…I’m mourning his loss and feeling very affected. It feels like I’ve lost another grandparent. Now that I’m alone, the quietness of my hotel room has allowed me to feel awashed with grief. I’m trying smile and laugh through it, but it’s a struggle. I don’t want my time here so be defined by sadness, because he wasn’t that type human. He’d tell me to laugh it off and to stop being so serious. I’m trying, because your life is the kind that should be celebrated and not mourned.

By SheelaR

So, Kim Kardashian has taken to Twitter to troll those who are brave enough to point out her shameless fame-whoring. Apparently, posting a full nude of herself on social media for the world to see and comment on, is tantamount to “Slut-shaming” in her view. Kim…. You can’t be slut shammed if you’re acting like a slut. Let’s stop overusing and “shamming” society with catchy buzz phrases… like “Bullying” and “Slut-shaming.”

Just in case you forgot, you are some little girl’s mother. Having said that… The human body is beautiful and you’ve paid a lot of money for yours. I can see why you’re proud of it. Under the right set of circumstances the human body is indeed a work of art…yours not so much. We’ve all seen it many times and it just gets old. It feels like a teenage girl with low self-esteem crying out for attention.

Do us all a favor and go away. Your 15-minutes of sex-tape fame should have been up by now, but you won’t go away gracefully. You continuing to benefit from your lack-luster performance with Ray J, doesn’t make you special, just a spectacle. We are not laughing with you, but at you You have become that train-wreck that we try but can’t look away from.

You’ve demonstrated that you are fully capable of making money with your clothes on, why don’t you just do that from now on. Why wallow in the kind of fame-whoring that is defined by unabashed nakedness? Your legacy can be so much more but you don’t seem to want that. You want the kind of attention and fame that no woman should relish. It’s starting to feel like you’re a bit jealous of the your younger sisters (Kylie & Kendall). Neither one has made a sex tape, yet they both seem to be enjoying an equal amount of fame and attention. Your time as the family vamp needs to come to a quite end.

Every woman should love her body and find beauty in it. I don’t fault you for that.  What I have a problem with, is you perpetuating the idea that a woman’s only value is the whoring out of her naked body for public consumption. Whether you accept it or not, you are a trend setter. Unfortunately, you’ve already set the wrong trends and little girls everywhere are watching you, and they are prepared to swap their dignity for social media likes.

Thanks for nothing, Kim! It’s sad that your dignity lies in your ability to cash an 80 million dollar check for acting like the community… .

By SheelaR

The idea of race and all that includes, is by far one of the trickiest conversations we can have. It is divisive and perpetually inconclusive. As far as we’ve come in the conversation, it is unsolvable…because we’ll never arrive at a complete consensus. However, those of us who live our lives as mixed/bi-racial people, know all the arguments all too well. We live the confusion about race on a daily bases.

My Story

By SheelaR

Watching the GOP/Republican debate, and I’m horrified…once again.  In addition to that, I’m embarrassed. As a first world country these candidates and their base has sunk into some pretty uncivilized behavior. It’s hard to watch grown men scrap like 8th grade girls.  Where has dignity and decorum gone?

It has also become abundantly clear that Donald Trump is a bit of a flip flopper, but I’m sure his base won’t notice and doesn’t care.  They are completely enamored by celebrity and how he coddles their bigotry. I am not amused. I’ll be happy when this election season is over. It’s revealed some dark and ugly truths about America.

We’ve become the fodder for jokes and the laughing stock of the world. I can’t have a conversation with my international friends without trying to explain this insanity we call american politics. It’s a ginormous clown show. Discussing policy has taken a backseat to bickering and personal attacks. It is frustrating to watch. I’m having moments when I want to throw my shoes at the television. Ugh!

Technically, FOX News is considered an entertainment and not an actual news network, so I guess it is fitting that they’d be hosting the Greatest Show on Earth. Thanks, GOP!

I want to turn the channel, but who among us doesn’t look when we see a train-wreck?

By SheelaR

I’ve been working on a new post. It’s from a deep place. I was hoping to post it the other day, but the distractions have been many and they’ve created a little bit of writer’s block.  Lately, I’m obsessed with exploring our muddled history and it affects on our present day lives. As a mixed-race woman, I feel so affected by both sides of the many racial issues that have engulfed America.  I still struggle with how should or shouldn’t identify. The fence straddling for me has been dizzying.

I took a DNA heritage test last year and it revealed nothing new, but for some reason the revelation was a surprise.  My father is white (Irish) and my mother’s father is mixed (Italian/Black), so my DNA came back as 74% European, yet… Knowing it and seeing it in black and white was surreal, because the older I get the more I can relate to the black experience.  I think you know from some of my past posts… It is a very new experience for me. As I’ve said before, the black experience in America is less about your mindset or where you live and more about how you experience life as a person of color. Racism and bigotry for persons of color is oddly intrinsic to the American experience. And I’ll explain that in my new post.

I’m just trying to garner a better understanding through more detailed exploration of America’s history as it relates to race and the many symbols of freedom that we hold so dear to us.  I don’t want to engage in hyperbole, so I’m taking care to bring you not just my opinion, but some cold hard facts.

I’m logging off now. I need make a grocery store run and dinner. All this thinking is making me hungry 😉

By SheelaR

In an effort to keep it fresh, I’ve changed the name of my blog to better reflect where I am in my life today.  I like the new name. “Thoughts of a Wordinary Girl.  It was suggested by a friend and I think it’s perfect 🙂

By SheelaR

Admittedly… I’m horrible with keeping in touch with my family and friends. I often feel guilty and ashamed of the fact that they’re always reaching out to me first. To them it must seem as though I don’t care or isn’t interested in their lives. Nothing could be further from the truth.  My family and friends have no idea about how much I think, worry, and obsess over their well-being. I’m just really bad at showing it. It gets trapped in my mind and heart…rarely seeing the light of day.

A good friend called me today because we hadn’t talked in a couple of weeks and the last few times we did, it was because she called me. I always feel bad when that happens, but then I fall back into my usual routine.  I enjoy existing in a quiet solitary place. Not because I want to keep anyone out, but because my thoughts and ideas flow so easily and freely when the distractions are few. It’s not a lonely place, but a place to be alone.

 I wanted to spend my professional hiatus working on me and nurturing relationships that matter.  However, I’ve not done nearly as much of that as I had hoped. Now that it’s weighing heavily on my mind, I’m going to put forth more of an effort. Love is what you do and not just what you say. Having said all that… If you’re a part of my circle, I do love you. However, I’m a work in progress and progress doesn’t happen overnight. You will see and hear from me, I promise!

I took my ADD meds much too late in the day and I’m in a frenetic state of mind… So, I’m going to clean my bathrooms and finish the laundry.